A heavy heart

I sit here tonight will such a heavy heart. Years ago I went through heartache that I thought I would never recover from, but I made it through it, some how, some way. I never imagined I would feel that deep of heartache again, but have found it's possible to hurt more then I did all those years ago. How do you get over something like this? that is the question I've been asking myself a hundred times a day.

I have made some choice lately that have damaged a good part of who I am, but I am taking that stand to fix it, to become a better person. Having to face things and STAND ALONE is one of the hardest things I've ever done. The worst part of it all is me standing alone means that this baby is affected more then me.

I have been playing everything over and over in my mind, I feel I could easily lose my mind, and honestly wish that I could disappear, disappearing would mean i wouldn't have to be alone, alone to raise this baby, alone to feel all this hurt.

Every thought is about this sweet baby growing inside of me. I went to the doctor this week and was able to see all toes, legs,feet, head. It's amazing how you can love something so much that isn't even born, and that not matter what you would do anything as a mother to protect that baby. All day I've sat with my hand on my belly, and cried, and told this sweet baby how much mommy is sorry, but that no matter what baby you are loved. I've felt the baby move a few times in the last week, and in the last few days every time I feel baby move my heart just breaks. To know that he wont ever be around to feel baby move,that I wont be able to share with him every moment of this sweet baby,knowing I'll have to face that doctors office alone, see every ultrasound alone.

As much as I might be hurting, and wish I could disappear, the one thing that keeps me from completely losing it is the fact I wouldn't change the last few months, how can I say I regret it? or wish it never happened, that we never met? I have a sweet baby growing inside me, that I feel move, that I carry this baby under my heart, a heart that is heavy with pain, and turmoil, but that also loves and will love this baby forever. I am blessed that I get to be this babies mother, I am blessed that I have two other beautiful and sweet boys that are my whole world, and that is what gets me through this. Some how, some way baby will make it.

I AM BLESSED

We Do Not Truly Understand...

Joy...
until we face sorrow.

Faith...
until it is tested.

Peace...
until faced with conflict.

Trust...
until we are betrayed.

Love...
until it is lost.

Hope...
until confronted with doubts.

Then when faced with these things, we arrive at a place deeper than mental understanding. It is a place called experience.

Experience then brings knowing...

... and we come to know joy, faith, peace, trust, love, and hope beyond all doubt.

Then we can share these blessings as the most valuable gifts we have to give.

~~ Author Unknown ~~