Baby....it's a????

IT'S A BOY
I have to say that I am a little in SHOCK.
Just in shock that I am going to be
a mommy of
3 BOYS.
Andy and I are thrilled to death about this baby, but for me the first reaction was
COMPLETE SHOCK
After the shock of it being a boy I realized what a stress relief that it's another boy, for the reason that I know what to expect and know how to take care of baby boys.
Now we are just so excited cuz once you know what the baby is then it becomes a little more real and you can start planning for baby to arrive.

Baby ??

I couldn't get this to scan any better
Here is baby at 13 weeks.

Can't wait, only 2 more weeks and we get to find out what it is.
Last time doc thought it could be ANOTHER boy,but we are really hoping
for a girl. Will love a boy just the same...BUT....honestly though after having
2 boys, I am ready for a girl.
I figure I have to get all new baby stuff anyways, so it might as well be for a girl.
CROSS YOUR FINGERS

I've been feeling the baby move more and more. Doc said most start to really feel the baby more with their 3rd baby cuz you know what you are feeling. It is great to feel baby move. When I drive and sit for to long the baby moves, but it is such a great feeling.

LOVE YOU BABY

In 2 weeks.....yippeeeeee

I CAN'T WAIT
for this

Less then 3 weeks the whole family is going to the
Oregon Coast

Will be staying here

This is the view from the hotel, and view of the pool.
This is the second time the family has been and stayed at this place. Last time we went we had whales outside our balcony every morning and every evening.
BUT
THE BEST PART OF ALL
IS

This time to Oregon I get to share it with these two sweet boys.
Oregon is all Brock can talk about. Every day he asks if it's time to leave for Oregon.
If you talk to Zack about it he says to me "shoes, car, go?"
I can't wait to spend 9 days with just me and my boys. There are 14 of us going, what a blast we are going to have. Also coming is the Hawk's family, and I can't wait to see April.
EEEEEEEEEKKKK, I think I'm more excited then the boys are.
The thing I think is funny is that NO ONE wants to ride which ever car I'm going in.
Last time trip to Oregon I was pregnant with Brock, and a 14 hour ride in the car when
prego....NO FUN
I even threatened to jump out of the car if we didn't stop so I could pee, and I threatened to pee in the car if we didn't stop, and threatened to pee in the wide open on the side of the highway if we didn't stop.....WELL peeps, when you got to go, you got to go.
How bad could this drive be?
One- 1 year old
One- 2 year old
One- 4 year old
and
One pregnant mommy
HA.HA.HA.HA.HA. this will be fun.lol

A heavy heart

I sit here tonight will such a heavy heart. Years ago I went through heartache that I thought I would never recover from, but I made it through it, some how, some way. I never imagined I would feel that deep of heartache again, but have found it's possible to hurt more then I did all those years ago. How do you get over something like this? that is the question I've been asking myself a hundred times a day.

I have made some choice lately that have damaged a good part of who I am, but I am taking that stand to fix it, to become a better person. Having to face things and STAND ALONE is one of the hardest things I've ever done. The worst part of it all is me standing alone means that this baby is affected more then me.

I have been playing everything over and over in my mind, I feel I could easily lose my mind, and honestly wish that I could disappear, disappearing would mean i wouldn't have to be alone, alone to raise this baby, alone to feel all this hurt.

Every thought is about this sweet baby growing inside of me. I went to the doctor this week and was able to see all toes, legs,feet, head. It's amazing how you can love something so much that isn't even born, and that not matter what you would do anything as a mother to protect that baby. All day I've sat with my hand on my belly, and cried, and told this sweet baby how much mommy is sorry, but that no matter what baby you are loved. I've felt the baby move a few times in the last week, and in the last few days every time I feel baby move my heart just breaks. To know that he wont ever be around to feel baby move,that I wont be able to share with him every moment of this sweet baby,knowing I'll have to face that doctors office alone, see every ultrasound alone.

As much as I might be hurting, and wish I could disappear, the one thing that keeps me from completely losing it is the fact I wouldn't change the last few months, how can I say I regret it? or wish it never happened, that we never met? I have a sweet baby growing inside me, that I feel move, that I carry this baby under my heart, a heart that is heavy with pain, and turmoil, but that also loves and will love this baby forever. I am blessed that I get to be this babies mother, I am blessed that I have two other beautiful and sweet boys that are my whole world, and that is what gets me through this. Some how, some way baby will make it.

I AM BLESSED

We Do Not Truly Understand...

Joy...
until we face sorrow.

Faith...
until it is tested.

Peace...
until faced with conflict.

Trust...
until we are betrayed.

Love...
until it is lost.

Hope...
until confronted with doubts.

Then when faced with these things, we arrive at a place deeper than mental understanding. It is a place called experience.

Experience then brings knowing...

... and we come to know joy, faith, peace, trust, love, and hope beyond all doubt.

Then we can share these blessings as the most valuable gifts we have to give.

~~ Author Unknown ~~